At first I was adamantly opposed to the idea of selling my dirty underwear through the mail. I considered it for about 2 to 3 seconds before I decided that there was no way in hell that I could send some stranger my underwear. That was way too creepy. Besides the fact that I'm really squeamish and neurotic about that sort of thing.
"You know, they have vending machines in Japan with used underwear in them." "That's just too weird. Ugh." "Where do they get the underwear? Is there a slot in the back where anyone can just throw some in or what?" "They pay people for their underwear and put them in there." "They should have a depository in the back that gives you money in exchange for your underwear so that you can do it anonymously." "I think the city of Cambridge would not like the idea of a dirty underwear vending machine in front of the house. For that matter, I don't think the landlord would much appreciate it either." "You know, Nancy used to sell her underwear through the mail." "I don't want to hear about it." "I'd sell my underwear through the mail." "You can talk about selling your underwear but I don't want to hear about Nancy doing it." "How much did she sell them for?" "Twenty bucks. She said she sold a pair a day. In two months you'd have enough to buy a new Mac."
I had to stop and consider it. I would love to have a new computer. I needed a new stereo too.
"I could quit my job." "I need a bed, I hate sleeping on a futon." "If we both sold a pair a day that'd be $40 a day, $1,240 a month and $14,880 a year." "Jesus." "Are you serious?" "Do you want to do it?" "Oh, I'm sure my grandma would love this one." "I feel like such a hypocrite. I told Chris I wouldn't feel comfortable if he did phone sex and now here I am talking about selling my underwear." "Yeah, but this is totally different. You don't have to spend all day and night talking dirty to a bunch of pervs and have all that fucking with your head. You just wear your underwear and go about your everyday business then throw them into an envelope instead of a hamper at the end of the day." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "If you can really make $20 a day at this then why doesn't everyone in the world just quit their jobs and sell their dirty underwear?" "Because most people don't realize that you can make that much doing it and alot of them are freaked out by the idea."
I was unemployed at the moment. I wouldn't have to be anywhere at a set time in the morning. I could stay up as late as I pleased. I could pretty much do whatever the hell I wanted. And I would always have new clean underwear. Mom would be thrilled that every time I went out I'd have new underwear on so that if (god forbid) I was in an accident at least the paramedics would see that my mother taught me something. After thinking about the new computer for about thirty seconds and rationalizing that it wouldn't be so hard to send someone day-old worn underwear I decided that, OK, I would do it.
"You just have to not think about it and just do it. After you put it in the envelope it ceases to exist in your mind. You can't sit around wondering what weird obscene perverted things these random people out there are doing with your underwear." "I think we should only send underwear to people out of state - I don't want to be on the subway or the bus and be looking around at people and wondering - does that person have my underwear? Do they do weird things to my underwear? I don't want to have to think about it at all." "I think it's more important that people aren't lurking around at the post office waiting for us to come and check the mail." "Maybe we could get one of those forwarding services - where we have the people send money to our post office box in Chicago and then the post office forwards it here." "Yeah but you have to actually appear at the post office at least once." "Really? Why?" "Well, one of us could fly down to Chicago." "Yeah, right. If we had money to do that we wouldn't be sitting here discussing selling our dirty underwear." "We could just get another box in Boston and have it forwarded from there. They could wait around for days at that post office and never see us." "Nancy said some of them offered her alot of money for her home address. One guy offered her $10,000." "God, no way in hell." "Why do they want your home address - to be voyeuristic or do they want sex?" "Or do they just really want to meet you - like you're a celebrity to them and they're your biggest fan."
"Is there really a big enough demand for dirty underwear to really make a living doing this?" "This is just too weird, I can't believe I'm actually considering this." "How long do you have to wear them for?" "Just a day." "But underwear doesn't smell after just a day." "Oh, it does." "Even after going across the country through the mail? I would think that if someone were going to pay $20 for dirty underwear they'd want you to wear them for at least a week so they'd be good and raunchy." "We could just use yellow food coloring or dip them in some really gross public toilets." "I think we're talking about a whole different ballgame there." "I don't think it's legal to send shit in the mail. I doubt it anyway." "Oh, poor mail carriers." "All the neighborhood dogs following them." "Damn, this bag of mail sure smells funny."
"Is this legal? I mean - if you can get arrested for wearing underwear on your head in Utah..." "Can you imagine going to prison and having to explain to the other inmates that you sold your dirty underwear through the mail?" "We need to figure out how they'll pay without using our names." "You can have checks or money orders made out to "Cash" or just make up a name. Most banks don't have a problem with that." "OK, I want to know exactly how this will work. How do we send them?" "I'd say in a plain brown wrapper."
"Do we have to write letters to the people to send along with the underwear? Do we have to directly communicate with these people or can we just throw the underwear in the envelope toss it in the mail and forget about it." "Well, Nancy sent along little notes. She said they liked that. And it's the repeat customers that really bring in the bucks." "What did she say in the notes? Is it just something like: 'Here's the dirty underwear you requested. Knock yourself out.' or do you have to go into more detail - like make up little erotic stories about what you did in them or something?" "I'd imagine the latter." "We could have a little repertoire of erotic stories and just keep track of which ones we sent to whom." "I could make a HyperCard stack!"
"We can be anyone and anything we want!" "It'll be an adventure!!" "Slut boy's underwear." "Hot hung college jock." "Yeah, get in all the hot buzz words." "I could sell jock straps." "Do you think anyone would want to buy TS underwear?" "Oh, hell yeah! You'll probably sell more underwear than anyone. There's a huge fetish for transsexuals." "I want to be a virgin Catholic school girl." "Oh yeah, big market for that." "Sexy buxom blonde cheerleader." "We need to think up names."
"Who we really want to appeal to are the smell-freaks." "Well, yaah, that's obvious." "No - I would like to have a pair of Brian Austin Green's underwear - but not to smell." "Yeah, I see what you mean." "Hey, maybe we could sell our dirty socks to foot fetish people?" "Eh. I don't think there'd be much of a market for that."
"We can't tell anyone we're doing this - OK? Everybody has to promise." "Alright." "Tomorrow at work I'll check out what newspapers we could run ads in. I can get them in for free. We can advertise in Minnesota and Kentucky." "I don't know how well I'll fair down south." "Oh, you never know." "I do remember reading some ads that said 'Buy my used panties!'" "It's underwear, by the way." "I was just repeating exactly what I read." "Well, don't. I hate that word, I hate all words that start with 'p' but that one is the worst. I'm not going to use the 'p' word." "Well, if it sells more underwear." "I won't do it."
"Are the pervs going to be really gross in their letters? I don't know if I could deal with that." "What if they find out who we are or where we live?" "No way." "What if someone orders a pair for someone they know as a joke and that person gets mad." "Not our fault." "What if someone is dissatisfied and sends my underwear back?" "Yeah, do you put it back on? God knows what they've done to it." "You just dirty up another pair, only worse." "Maybe don't wipe so well." "Gross! No way! They can just buy somebody else's underwear!" "I really don't want to have to deal with the 'p' word everyday." "Better start desensitizing yourself now." "I would be way too embarrassed if anyone I knew read a letter from one of these dirty underwear pervs talking in detail about some underwear I'd sent them."
"We need a code word for selling our dirty underwear so we don't have to keep saying 'selling our dirty underwear'." "Christian children's fund?" "That's good."
"I would be interested in buying a pair through the mail - just to see what other people do - how they do it - what they say..." "Wouldn't it be funny if the only people who ever bought dirty underwear through the mail were other people who were thinking of selling their dirty underwear through the mail and wanted to see how others did it?"
1999
by Lake e. Lou
Comments
9 comments by Anon Wow! I didn't know I can sell my underwear. Where do I go to start? Please email me to Lushes19@hotmail.com
by Anon do people really buy dirty undies? my friend was telling me that she is doing it... i can't imagine!
by _annex this is fucking hilarious! it would be just as funny (i freaked out my cats laughing so loud) if i hadn't had many a conversation about this exactly with my old roommates. love it!
by pd_writer You need to post more of these stories that you've composed. i love this mix of surrealism and modern hilarity.
by Anon I read this because i wanted to sell my worn undies, and this kick started it, and now i make about $400 a week. and guess what, i'm 15!!!
by Anon Hey I was wonder if you really made a go of the "used underpants" thing. I have been thinking about it...did you or are you having any luck with it? I'd love to here from you.
by chronic (Italy) hi! nice tale. i was surfing the web looking for some information about selling dirty p. and i've found this. my girlfriend and i are seriously thinking about doing it by a website! let's try, don't be a puritan!
by Anon I wanted to know how to start!
by Anon Your cranium is filled with odd things...but you communicate them beautifully. =]