D.O.A (Disneyland on Acid) by Danielle Willis

for John Ayres, one of the happiest people on earth

Bob and I are at the
Tommorrowland cafeteria
because we're on acid
and Bob is convinced that
if we don't eat something
we're going to DIE and
I keep telling him
I'm not hungry but his
eyes are black and glossy
with the terrible conviction
that we MUST EAT or perish
so we order two Magic Kingdom Burgers
and wend our way through the
melting plasticene crowd to a
mustard-smeared table beneath
the neon MOONBURGERS sign where
I discover that my burger
has been impregnated with a
vile orange sauce that
reminds me of when I was
six years old and saw a
gorilla eat its own vomit
at the Seattle zoo so I
try to scrape it off but it
gets all over my hands and
I start giggling hysterically
because it's moving around on
my fingers and Bob is furious that
I'm laughing at the food that is
going to SAVE MY LIFE so I try
to make the remains of the
burger presentable by folding it
in half which doesn't work and
caused people with small children to
stare at us while Bob screeches
"What are you doing? What the fuck are
you doing?"
over and over again
as I proceed to fold the burger
into fourths and eighths and then slam
the styrofoam container shut in disgust
Bob is about to force me to eat the
rest of his burger when suddenly there
is a burst of Top-40 music and a
bandstand in the shape of a
futuristic jukebox rises from the
patio floor and a Sheena Easton clone
in a gold lame jumpsuit launches
into a terrifying rendition of
Eddie Brickell and the New Bohemians'
"What I Am is What I Am" that sends us
fleeing to the Submarine Voyage where we
stand in line fixing our shifting makeup
and watching the Matterhorn turn into
a gnashing skull.