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Dave Barry Quotes

Dave Barry Quotes & Quotations
Dave Barry
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  • 1
    A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 2
    As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 3
    Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 4
    Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 5
    Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 6
    Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 7
    Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 8
    Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 9
    For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 10
    Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 11
    Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 12
    Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 13
    I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 14
    I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 15
    If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 16
    If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 17
    In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 18
    In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 19
    It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 20
    It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave-BarryDave Barry
  • 21
    It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 22
    Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 23
    Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 24
    Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 25
    Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 26
    Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 27
    Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 28
    Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 29
    Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 30
    The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 31
    The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 32
    The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 33
    The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 34
    The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 35
    The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 36
    The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 37
    The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 38
    The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 39
    There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 40
    Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Dave-Barry/">Dave Barry
  • 41
    Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave-Barry/41.php">Dave Barry
  • 42
    We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. Dave-Barry/42.php">Dave Barry
  • 43
    We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. Dave-Barry/43.php">Dave Barry
  • 44
    We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. Dave-Barry/44.php">Dave Barry
  • 45
    We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Dave-Barry/45.php">Dave Barry
  • 46
    What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave-Barry/46.php">Dave Barry
  • 47
    What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. Dave-Barry/47.php">Dave Barry
  • 48
    Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave-Barry/48.php">Dave Barry