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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes & Quotations
George Carlin
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  • 1
    Always do whatever's next. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 2
    At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 3
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 4
    By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 5
    Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 6
    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 7
    Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 8
    Electricity is really just organized lightning. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 9
    Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 10
    Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 11
    "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 12
    I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 13
    I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 14
    I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 15
    I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 16
    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 17
    I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 18
    I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 19
    I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 20
    If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter. George-CarlinGeorge Carlin
  • 21
    If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 22
    If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 23
    In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 24
    Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 25
    Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 26
    May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 27
    Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 28
    One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 29
    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 30
    Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 31
    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 32
    The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 33
    The status quo sucks. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 34
    The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 35
    There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 36
    Think off-center. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 37
    Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 38
    Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 39
    What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 40
    When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George-Carlin/">George Carlin
  • 41
    When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. George-Carlin/41.php">George Carlin
  • 42
    You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George-Carlin/42.php">George Carlin