Joan Rivers Quotes
Joan Rivers Quotes
- 1
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 2
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 3
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 4
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 5
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 6
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 7
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 8
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 9
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 10
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 11
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 12
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 13
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 14
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 15
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 16
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 17
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 18
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 19
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 20
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
- 21
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 22
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 23
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 24
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 25
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 26
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
- 27
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
