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Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Rivers Quotes & Quotations
Joan Rivers
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  • 1
    A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 2
    Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 3
    Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 4
    Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 5
    Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 6
    Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 7
    I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 8
    I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 9
    I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 10
    I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 11
    I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 12
    I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 13
    I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 14
    Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 15
    It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 16
    My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 17
    My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 18
    My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 19
    Never floss with a stranger. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 20
    Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Joan-RiversJoan Rivers
  • 21
    People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 22
    She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 23
    Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 24
    The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 25
    There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 26
    Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers
  • 27
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Joan-Rivers/">Joan Rivers