Phyllis Diller Quotes
Phyllis Diller Quotes
- 1
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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- 2
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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- 3
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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- 4
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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- 5
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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- 6
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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- 7
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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- 8
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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- 9
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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- 10
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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- 11
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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- 12
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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- 13
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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- 14
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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- 15
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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- 16
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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- 17
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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- 18
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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- 19
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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- 20
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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- 21
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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- 22
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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- 23
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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- 24
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
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- 25
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
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- 26
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
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- 27
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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- 28
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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- 29
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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- 30
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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