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Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller Quotes & Quotations
Phyllis Diller
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  • 1
    A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 2
    A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 3
    Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 4
    Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 5
    Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 6
    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 7
    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 8
    Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 9
    I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 10
    I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 11
    I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 12
    I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 13
    I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 14
    I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 15
    If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 16
    Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 17
    My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 18
    My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 19
    My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 20
    My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis-DillerPhyllis Diller
  • 21
    Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 22
    Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 23
    Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 24
    The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 25
    There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 26
    Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 27
    We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 28
    What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 29
    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller
  • 30
    You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis-Diller/">Phyllis Diller