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Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes & Quotations
Steven Wright
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  • 1
    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 2
    At one point he decided enough was enough. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 3
    Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 4
    Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 5
    Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 6
    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 7
    Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 8
    Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 9
    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 10
    George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 11
    Hermits have no peer pressure. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 12
    I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 13
    I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 14
    I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 15
    I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 16
    I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 17
    I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 18
    I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 19
    I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 20
    I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven-WrightSteven Wright
  • 21
    I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 22
    I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 23
    I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 24
    I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 25
    I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 26
    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 27
    I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 28
    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 29
    I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 30
    I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 31
    I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 32
    If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 33
    If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 34
    If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 35
    If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 36
    If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 37
    If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 38
    In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 39
    It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 40
    Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
  • 41
    Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. Steven-Wright/41.php">Steven Wright
  • 42
    Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven-Wright/42.php">Steven Wright
  • 43
    My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven-Wright/43.php">Steven Wright
  • 44
    My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven-Wright/44.php">Steven Wright
  • 45
    My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven-Wright/45.php">Steven Wright
  • 46
    My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Steven-Wright/46.php">Steven Wright
  • 47
    My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven-Wright/47.php">Steven Wright
  • 48
    On the other hand, you have different fingers. Steven-Wright/48.php">Steven Wright
  • 49
    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. Steven-Wright/49.php">Steven Wright
  • 50
    So, do you live around here often? Steven-Wright/50.php">Steven Wright
  • 51
    Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Steven-Wright/51.php">Steven Wright
  • 52
    Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? Steven-Wright/52.php">Steven Wright
  • 53
    The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Steven-Wright/53.php">Steven Wright
  • 54
    The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. Steven-Wright/54.php">Steven Wright
  • 55
    There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven-Wright/55.php">Steven Wright
  • 56
    What a nice night for an evening. Steven-Wright/56.php">Steven Wright
  • 57
    What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven-Wright/57.php">Steven Wright
  • 58
    When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven-Wright/58.php">Steven Wright
  • 59
    When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? Steven-Wright/59.php">Steven Wright
  • 60
    When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Steven-Wright/60.php">Steven Wright
  • 61
    When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." Steven-Wright/61.php">Steven Wright
  • 62
    Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven-Wright/62.php">Steven Wright