Steven Wright Quotes
Steven Wright Quotes
- 1
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 2
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 3
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 4
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 5
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 6
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 7
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 8
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 9
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 10
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 11
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 12
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 13
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 14
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 15
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 16
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 17
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 18
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 19
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 20
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven-WrightSteven Wright
- 21
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 22
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 23
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 24
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 25
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 26
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 27
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 28
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 29
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 30
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 31
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 32
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 33
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 34
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 35
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 36
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 37
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 38
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 39
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 40
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven-Wright/">Steven Wright
- 41
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven-Wright/41.php">Steven Wright
- 42
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven-Wright/42.php">Steven Wright
- 43
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven-Wright/43.php">Steven Wright
- 44
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven-Wright/44.php">Steven Wright
- 45
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven-Wright/45.php">Steven Wright
- 46
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven-Wright/46.php">Steven Wright
- 47
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven-Wright/47.php">Steven Wright
- 48
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven-Wright/48.php">Steven Wright
- 49
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven-Wright/49.php">Steven Wright
- 50
So, do you live around here often?
Steven-Wright/50.php">Steven Wright
- 51
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven-Wright/51.php">Steven Wright
- 52
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
Steven-Wright/52.php">Steven Wright
- 53
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven-Wright/53.php">Steven Wright
- 54
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven-Wright/54.php">Steven Wright
- 55
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven-Wright/55.php">Steven Wright
- 56
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven-Wright/56.php">Steven Wright
- 57
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven-Wright/57.php">Steven Wright
- 58
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven-Wright/58.php">Steven Wright
- 59
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven-Wright/59.php">Steven Wright
- 60
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven-Wright/60.php">Steven Wright
- 61
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven-Wright/61.php">Steven Wright
- 62
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven-Wright/62.php">Steven Wright
